Flying off the Handle

whoisdebbyanyway:

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages: Words Of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, & Quality Time. According to my iTunes library, there’s one love language that escapsulates several of the these at once. I don’t know much about love, but I know that every…

I bolded this part because it really spoke to me. In my last relationship, one that became emotionally abusive, and one that I am still, a year later trying to recover from, I realized that I did all the giving and did nothing in return. There were certainly no words of affirmation, physical touch was almost reluctant, gifts were nonexistent (not even acknowledgment of my college graduation), you get the point.

And this has affected me to no end. A year later, and I still am not over my anger and resentment, which is holding me back from letting go. I developed an anxiety problem (which may have just been severely exacerbated) and started seeing a psychologist. For some reason, this is all hard for me to admit. It’s almost as if it makes me seem weak or vulnerable, which is rather ironic considering my chosen profession.

But because of this relationship, my self-worth has taken a huge hit. It’s hard to believe that you are beautiful and important when you constantly are getting messages otherwise from the person that is supposed to love you. I get jealous when I see other couples who just have that ease and affection that I was unfairly denied. I gave it my all, I put my heart and soul into that relationship, what did I ever do to deserve to be treated this way?

Part of the problem is that we’re in the same group of friends. They don’t have the same emotional investment and think that he’s changed. But good people just don’t treat people that way. To his credit, he has realized it and has made big efforts to change, but there’s no way to change the past and I’m still stuck on that. 

I just want to feel worthwhile again. That I’m worth being loved and that I deserve a relationship like the ones that make my friends so happy. I want to be strong and confident again and believe in myself again, but I don’t know how to let go of all of this anger

I need a hug.